Wholeness is you

“She was supposed to love me. She was supposed to want me. She was supposed to desire me. I was good to her. I was her confidante. I told her she was beautiful. I was there for her. Her heart, her body was supposed to be mine!!”

This unspoken belief runs through the subconscious of many a man. The belief that a lady is obligated to have feelings for us because we are “nice” and “good” to her. Please note that for the men that have this belief, this is not a word of condemnation. I understand. I think I know why we believe it so.

An idea has long driven us. An idea that our wholeness, value, sense of beauty, worth and more is wrapped up in the affections, attention and bodies of  you ladies we find attractive and appealing. Thus in order to gain your affections (and thus find the sense of self we seek) some of us are “nice”. We reach out to you with compliments and seek to be there in their times of need. We are gentlemen, confidants, a listening ear for your every concern and a shoulder for your every tear you. All this is (and more) is done with the view towards the “prize”. Your heart, your desire, your passion.

And when things don’t happen as expected. When your heart is directed at everyone else but us, we then feel cheated. We feel like you “owe” us and we find ourselves in a great deal of pain. Pain which is either repressed (showing up as despair, depression and more) or expressed in cruelty, frustration, lashing out at you in anger and blame. Blame which tends to take the form of catchy sayings like:

“Friend Zone”,

“Nice guys always finish last”,  

“Girls always want the “bad” guys”

All the while we are blinded to the truth. The truth that the issue lies not with you but with us. And even when we get your affections and it seems we have claimed our prize, we eventually find that the “worth” and “completeness” we thought we’d find was simply a mirage and the subsequent disappointment breeds only more pain and hurt.

To the women out there who have been on the receiving end of this madness. I am sorry. You have always been free. You’ve never owed us a thing and you never will. You are under no obligation to share your lives with us in any shape or form. Your heart has no price tag.

To us men who have done the above. Let us look within and listen. Our worth can neither be earned nor given. Our wholeness is not found in another. To weigh our value as individuals on the perceptions of others is to sell ourselves grossly short. The question of Wholeness is not a WHERE? but a WHO? and who is Wholeness? Wholeness is you. Wholeness is me. Wholeness woke up this morning. Wholeness is the person in the mirror. We are worth everything. What we have looked for on the outside has always been inherent. We can never finish last in our own race

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