When friendship runs cold and dry

What happens when a friendship you thought would last forever suddenly comes to an end? What happens when an intimate friendship suddenly turns cold? What happens when those you treasured suddenly cut you off for no reason and with no explanation?

I’ve had the above happen to me and as expected they were none too pleasant. I did come away with some thoughts that really helped me and I would like to share them with you. (Please note that these are purely my thoughts and observations and are in no way all consuming. Please sit and muse on them. If it resonates, hold it close. If not (insert hit track from Disney movie “Frozen”)

I am of the opinion that at times the root of the pain we experience when an intimate friendship ceases or turns cold is an identity issue. Some of us find our sense of self, worth and beauty in the presence and attention of certain people in our lives and when the people we care about seek to be in our lives, give us attention and actively do things to make us happy, subconsciously (I think of the subconscious as the behind the scenes operating system) a little statement runs e.g. “She/he is treating me with love therefore i am lovely, I am wanted, I am worth it, I am beautiful” and when the opposite happens and those we care about don’t pay us attention like before or out rightly treat us with disregard, a little statement runs e.g. “She/he is not treating me lovingly therefore I am not lovely, I am not wanted, I am not worth it I am not beautiful.” The end result of the latter is pain and a lot of it too. Pain that we instinctively either repress, or seek to escape from. Some try to escape the pain by doing everything to get the person’s attention back and this could take the form of lashing out at the person or pleading with the person to give you a look again (sigh). Others seek to repress the pain by engaging in things, other people or events. The tragedy of this, is that undealt with pain festers into negativity that will infect our lives and other relationships too.

One of the things I have come to learn is not to run away from pain. It sounds crazy but please hear me out. I believe that behind pain is some insight that is vital to well being and for me, that insight was ¬†realizing that my identity had been wrapped up in the continued attention and affection of friends and realizing this, I came to see that my wholeness could never be found in the light of another and that I wasn’t some empty vessel that could only hope to bask in the fullness of others. I came to see that I am whole, complete and lacking nothing. Though the attention, affections and presence of others are welcome, I do not need them to “be” because I AM.

So dear reader are you in straits cause a friendship has run cold or dry? Please know that no matter what you are feeling, You are loved, You are valued and You are worth everything. So please don’t run away from the pain or try to repress it, sit with it, feel it and you will come to know it’s “origin” and you will find healing and the joy of being.

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